I
am so
MAD
at you
right now.

I'm back.
I need my space.
I need to write for myself.
I'm not your entertainment on myspace, I'm not your daily news on xanga.
I just need a place to write.  To be myself.  To feel as though no one is judging me.
Writing things out by hand would seem much easier and more sensible
but we all know how I can't write anymore.
Picking up a pen and literally writing amazing words would be too damn hard for me.

World, this is how I feel right now, at this second;
I do NOT need to defend myself against you.
I don't care what you think about the decisions I've been making.
I'm not physically or mentally hurting myself or, God forbid, someone else
so what more do you want from me?
If you think what I've been doing is so stupid
then you can be the first to point and laugh when I take the fall.
And it won't mean a thing.

I know what I'm doing, trust me on this.
I don't need to be reminded of things, I know.
You're not helping me anymore, I don't need your help.
I don't want it.
Only I can help myself right now.

And this is on oh so many levels
Like I love how no matter what I write, there are always a few people who insist I put so much energy into writing only about them.  "You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you, don't you, don't you, don't you?"
Figure things out for yourself.

Though I love you all dearly.

I don't know why I even bother to get these cravings to write.  It's not like anything that I write is any good, it's not like any of it is going to get me anywhere.  I'm never gonna get published anyway.  What's the point?  I waste too much time worrying about it rather than DOING it.   It's really disappointing.

I'm not feeling too well at the moment, so I'm just sitting around nagging to myself.

Like not even a minute after I got off the phone with Marc, Rachel called me and told me about her plane adventure, haha.  So I was on the phone with her [and Pinky yelling in the background] for approximately 29 minutes, so says my phone.  She's gonna call me again at 6 and hopefully she'll meet her "son-in-law" tonight and harrass him with questions.
So;
Breakfast with Rachel and Pinky tomorrow at 9AM or whenever Pinky decides to wake up
Job interview at Five Below tomorrow at 3PM, very casual.
I'm busy with things to look forward to with my favorite people, it feels like I've been sent back to 2003, haha =]

I had this dream that I was grocery shopping and someone tried to hang himself in there? And then all I saw was his heart dangling from the ceiling. And then I got paranoid, wondering if I had a heart, so I clawed it out of my chest and it was all small and shriveled and then I started worrying about dying soon and I was trying to find a doctor so they could stitch it back up inside me, but it was midnight and they were all at home. I think I woke up as I began to die.
It was so weird. All of my dreams are weird, but I take them all so seriously and this one in particular makes me extra curious.

Marc said he was getting off of work at 3:00 so I figured he'd be here around 3:20ish and that was an hour ago so I'm sitting here all bored, lol I'm pathetic.
It's really amazing how when it takes me hours to get ready I look like I just fell out of bed, but when I rush myself and put myself together within 30 minutes, I think that I look fabulous. I just put too much stress into things. I'm about to call him and be like "Hi where are you??" but I don't want to be annoying.

Edit I called and he said 5:00...and now it's 5:30 and he just called again to say it could be up until 6 or 7:00...lol stop it, I'm bored and dying and boredddd.

I haven't updated this in over two years.  So, I deleted all of my old entries because I hate my ex and he could die tomorrow and I wouldn't shed a tear.